The phone rang too early for decent folk this morning, but that can mean there is a problem, so I tossed off the covers and answered.
[jumbled static, tweeps, gurgle, hollow and distant voices]
Heelooo. Eeeestay. Is there Eeeestay?
What do you want?
Eeeestay [static and hollow voices in the distance] Eeeestay, danger to your computer. I can save.
You are lying through your teeth. You know nothing about my computer.
Wha… Eeeestay. I can save your computer.
You are lying through your teeth.
Idiot! [abrupt hangup]
All of which put me in mind of a blog I wrote a couple of years ago of a conversation I had with – possibly – this fellow’s brother
I have a degree of sympathy for telemarketers. I spent a couple of months training to work in a call centre. I was mainly to deal with customer complaints. It was the least offensive such job I could find. But I could just not remember all the stages I was supposed to go through, or keep track of all the various information tabs on my screen. I did not make it through ‘training’.
My modicum of sympathy, and not being totally sure when I first answered that it was a marketing call, made me embark on the following conversation. No, it is not verbatim (I didn’t record it for quality control). And it is condensed. I admit, a certain fascination of just experiencing it, kept me on the line.
To anyone else without a writer’s perversion, do as I say and don’t do as I do.
T: “Hello there.”
M: “Hello.” [another long pause] “Hello. How can I help you?”
T: “Help me?”
M: “Yes. What do you want?”
T: “Are you the Lord?”
M: “The Lord?”
T: “That you can help me.”
M: “Good Lord. What do you want?”
T: “I have the Lord. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”
M: “You make your Lord annoyed.”
T: “Ha ha ha ha ha lo lo lo lo lo lo moo moo moo.”
M: “You’re speechless.”
T: Moo moo moo moo maa maa maa.”
M: “You sound drunk.”
T: “I’ll put my dick on your ass.”
T: “And show it to your wife.”
M: “It would give her a laugh.”
T: “And I’ll do your dog.”
M: “That’s fine. My dog bites.”
T: “Your wife will have a big smile.”
M: “What about my dog?”
T: “Lick a dick.”
[At this point I begin to feel I am as bad as him. I stop.]
T: “Here is dick. Moo moo moo moo. Hello. Where’s the wife?”
T: “Hello Hello. Got my dick out.”
[Silence – though I still wonder where this might go. Then he starts talking to a voice I can’t hear.]
T: “Sorry, Sir.”
T: “It’s a real call.”
T: “The number is … [my correct phone number]”
T: “He is [the wrong name]”
T: “I am calling [correct city].”
T: “He lives at .”
T: “It is in [correct country]“.
T: “I understand, Sir.”
T: “It is time.”
T: “No, Sir. You don’t have trouble.”
T: “Yes, Sir. I can do that.”
T: “I’ll phone back in fifteen minutes.”
[There are no further phone calls.]