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Chow Down: Fake Food To Go (With Your Fake News)

 

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Please, Ladies and Gentlemen, I think it’s time to – please, if you don’t mind – it really is time to begin our – thank you, that’s much better – time for our meeting to start.

As you can see by looking around, this gathering is exclusively for Department Heads, and there will be no minutes taken. These projections are for your ears only.

Not only would we not wish another company to get them, but there is a chance the general public may become concerned, little realising the economics of our endeavours. A brief history of colours, dyes and artificial essences will give us a place to start. Run the strawberry jam, please.

As you can see, Ladies and Gentlemen, the colours on the slide are excellent. The rich red hue of the strawberries is exactly the colour you’ll find in the jar. We spent years developing that dye. Also, the years that went into getting the artificial taste and smell to adhere to the colour is something that most people would not imagine.

 Of course, even with our best efforts, there has always been a problem with that cloying, rather heavy sensation on the tongue. That has been offset by the addition of more sugar. We had complaints when the product was first introduced, but it appears these have now disappeared with new generations who know nothing different. People just accept that strawberries, strawberry ice cream, and strawberry jam all have their own tastes. Next slide, please.

Oh, yes, well, we’ll pass over this slide quickly. I just put that in to show you we finally managed to get rid of the strawberries altogether. As you can see on the close-up, the red glob is really made from compressed fibres – as one of our chemists said, more straw than berry. Even the seeds are produced and added with a gum mixture. We have found that bone meal seems to last best of all.

Now, this next lot we are very proud of. Bronson, these should be of particular interest to you, since they deal with our fast food chain.

The buns are made of very porous fibre, almost like real dough. and the brown colouring gives them a nice toasted look. The meat patty is still half real – we can’t seem to budge the government on that. Still, being able to advertise 100% all beef helps – as long as the fat, bone, guts etc that go into it all comes from a cow, we’re home free. Notice the use of the black lines of dye, to make it appear the meat has just come off the grill.

An interesting experiment has been done with some of our ever-thick milk shakes. We wanted to see how long the latex used to keep it together would hold up under the combined attacks of various strawberry, chocolate, etc. dyes, the fats and gums of the milk mixture, and the acids from the artificial flavours. You’ll be pleased to know that some of them still were thick after four months of refrigeration.

It is easy to see how latex based paints can last for so many years. We are now experimenting with making our french fries out of pulped wood chips. Texture, flavour and colour have all been overcome, but there still seems to be some unfortunate reactions to the hot fat.

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An Innocent Seduced By Black Friday

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I have never purchased anything because of Black Friday. I have never stood in line, and never plan to. I look upon Black Friday as consumerism and Capitalism at its worst. It not only gives the avarice of Christmas sales a run for its money, it might even pass on the outside.

But, yesterday … well.

I was giving my computer a checkup by its malware protection. I have the free version because it is, well, “free”, and I was told by my computer expert that it was just fine. I have hummed away with it for a couple of years.

Yesterday, I realized I had not used it for months, and gave it a whirl. I was told that my version was outdated – little surprise. So I went to source to re-install. And there I was seduced.

I was told if I got the ‘paid’ version, it would only cost me $00.07 a day. Seven cents. That, if I might confess, does not seem unreasonable.  But, in addition –  as a Black Friday promotion – I could get six extra months free. One whole half year. If I purchased by Friday (Black).

Regardless of what it says about my morals, I really did not resist very long. I did not hesitate and say “No no no.” I did not have to be wooed with champagne.

I paid.

I am protected.

Oddly, speaking of protection, one of the first actions of my ramped-up defence was to remove six Trojans.

 

DE

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