Here we go again. Almost the same scenario this morning, although the speaker was a female. Same cover-tossing on my part, same worry. that something was wrong. My response was so abrupt, however, that I was the party hung-up upon. At least these incidents have been reduced.
The phone rang too early for decent folk this morning, but that can mean there is a problem, so I tossed off the covers and answered.
[jumbled static, tweeps, gurgle, hollow and distant voices]
Heelooo. Eeeestay. Is there Eeeestay?
What do you want?
Eeeestay [static and hollow voices in the distance] Eeeestay, danger to your computer. I can save.
You are lying through your teeth. You know nothing about my computer.
Wha… Eeeestay. I can save your computer.
You are lying through your teeth.
Idiot! [abrupt hangup]
All of which put me in mind of a blog I wrote a couple of years ago of a conversation I had with – possibly – this fellow’s brother
I have a degree of sympathy for telemarketers. I spent a couple of months training to work in a call centre. I was mainly to deal with customer complaints. It was the least offensive such job I could find. But I could just not remember all the stages I was supposed to go through, or keep track of all the various information tabs on my screen. I did not make it through ‘training’.
My modicum of sympathy, and not being totally sure when I first answered that it was a marketing call, made me embark on the following conversation. No, it is not verbatim (I didn’t record it for quality control). And it is condensed. I admit, a certain fascination of just experiencing it, kept me on the line.
To anyone else without a writer’s perversion, do as I say and don’t do as I do.
T: “Hello there.”
M: “Hello.” [another long pause] “Hello. How can I help you?”
T: “Help me?”
M: “Yes. What do you want?”
T: “Are you the Lord?”
M: “The Lord?”
T: “That you can help me.”
M: “Good Lord. What do you want?”
T: “I have the Lord. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”
M: “You make your Lord annoyed.”
T: “Ha ha ha ha ha lo lo lo lo lo lo moo moo moo.”
M: “You’re speechless.”
T: Moo moo moo moo maa maa maa.”
M: “You sound drunk.”
T: “I’ll put my dick on your ass.”
T: “And show it to your wife.”
M: “It would give her a laugh.”
T: “And I’ll do your dog.”
M: “That’s fine. My dog bites.”
T: “Your wife will have a big smile.”
M: “What about my dog?”
T: “Lick a dick.”
[At this point I begin to feel I am as bad as him. I stop.]
T: “Here is dick. Moo moo moo moo. Hello. Where’s the wife?”
T: “Hello Hello. Got my dick out.”
[Silence – though I still wonder where this might go. Then he starts talking to a voice I can’t hear.]
T: “Sorry, Sir.”
T: “It’s a real call.”
T: “The number is … [my correct phone number]”
T: “He is [the wrong name]”
T: “I am calling [correct city].”
T: “He lives at .”
T: “It is in [correct country]“.
T: “I understand, Sir.”
T: “It is time.”
T: “No, Sir. You don’t have trouble.”
T: “Yes, Sir. I can do that.”
T: “I’ll phone back in fifteen minutes.”
[There are no further phone calls.]
The Elephant Talks to God is an endearing collection of whimsical tales in which a young elephant forages for answers to that age-old existential puzzle: What is the meaning of life?
In this new edition of Dale Estey’s best-selling book, this pachyderm philosopher asks questions and God answers — sometimes cryptically, sometimes humorously but always with love and patience. The answers unfold in a series of conversations between this humble, though occasionally impertinent, beast and the Almighty.
The free-ranging exchanges between the two include contributions from missionaries, various monkeys, birds and insects. These sweet, sometimes satirical, and occasionally moving stories will appeal to readers of all ages.
The book includes most of the original stories from the popular 1989 collection, as well as many new ones. Original, fresh and unsentimental, The Elephant Talks to God belongs on the bookshelves of anyone who, just like the inquisitive elephant, has ever wondered about life, love and the true nature of happiness.
I have never purchased anything because of Black Friday. I have never stood in line, and never plan to. I look upon Black Friday as consumerism and Capitalism at its worst. It not only gives the avarice of Christmas sales a run for its money, it might even pass on the outside.
But, yesterday … well.
I was giving my computer a checkup by its malware protection. I have the free version because it is, well, “free”, and I was told by my computer expert that it was just fine. I have hummed away with it for a couple of years.
Yesterday, I realized I had not used it for months, and gave it a whirl. I was told that my version was outdated – little surprise. So I went to source to re-install. And there I was seduced.
I was told if I got the ‘paid’ version, it would only cost me $00.07 a day. Seven cents. That, if I might confess, does not seem unreasonable. But, in addition – as a Black Friday promotion – I could get six extra months free. One whole half year. If I purchased by Friday (Black).
Regardless of what it says about my morals, I really did not resist very long. I did not hesitate and say “No no no.” I did not have to be wooed with champagne.
I am protected.
Oddly, speaking of protection, one of the first actions of my ramped-up defence was to remove six Trojans.